The Rain

How can I not learn to hate the rain when the rain reminds me of you? The memories falling like each drop. How can I not learn how to hate when you taught me how to love? Oh how the fire of hate looks so much like the fire of love. Each drop of the rain fuels the fire like gasoline. How. How. How can something you see coming hurt so deeply?! How can it rip you so jaggedly that healing hurts like hell? How can it kill you so slowly but make you feel so wonderfully alive? How can someone take away everything yet there's still love in you for them? No one can tell you what to do, it's just like how it was, no one can tell you how to heal. It's all left up to you as to whether you sink or swim. Life never comes with a manual. The only thing you can follow is other people's footsteps but nothing ever falls into place so cleanly and simply as that. You will have to deviate from the path and find your own, whether you want to or not. But this part of the journey, is one I've never been able to cross and it seems to get harder at every occurance... How do you deal with all the pent up pain and frustration? I love you so much but you killed me, and now that I'm lying on the ground all I can think of is how wonderful you are. Forever and always, right? But what they never tell you is that forever has an end. It comes at the end of every moment. It comes at sunrise when the night you wished would never end, finally meets its end. It comes when you find yourself right here, laying in the mess that you both created. It comes when you can't think straight anymore and you just want it to end. It came when you said it's over. Yet I find myself caught between wanting to kiss you until your lips bleed and laying in the blood of my heart with all the good memories strewn across the bloody floor. Your words, oh how bittersweet they come from that beautiful mouth of yours, yet they cut so lightly they get under my skin and light the flame of either hate or love. Then the rain begins to fall and I'm gone all over again. Between drowning in a fire and feeling like I'm falling into nothing, I'm ripping my heart out. Just take it already because I don't know how to put it back. It doesn't fit right, like it's not mine. Because you took a piece of it before you dropped it and left me to put it back together. Just because it's mine doesn't mean I know where all the pieces go when so many are missing. So many people have a piece of it and what's left is burned and bruised. I know I'm hard to love but how can it be my fault if no one ever taught me what love was until you showed up and you don't even know if you loved me?! How?! How can I believe you when you don't even know yourself?! I'm still in love with you but I'm the only one that has to move on. I'm the only one walking through the rain. And if it's not raining, the memories form into tears that turn into waterfalls. No one likes a crybaby, right? So here we go again. Let's dance in the nothingness you want me to return to. Let's dance around the room while you shout at me to stop being a martyr when that's exactly what you're turning me into. Let's dance while the fire continues to rage inbetween us. Come on, Princess, show me just how this story goes. You've always been in control of this story, so tell how it ends. Does it end with the Dragon slain across the cliffside? Does it end with the Dragon flying off far away where the Princess doesn't have to worry about it anymore? It was never my story, it was yours and you played it out just how you wanted it. So what are you going to do with me? You can't just leave it at a cliffhanger. Where is the fun in that? Surely you have an end in mind. All good authors do, and you've written one killer of a story. So what are you going to do? It doesn't matter what you do, we're never going to be the same again. So hurry up, what are you going to do with the Dragon? We all want to know because these readers are getting anxious and we can't have that. Hurry up and slam the door, but don't let it hit you, we all want a good ending right? Princess you're still not done, are you? There's still some time left, what are you going to do? This story's starting to reach its end. You'll have to do something soon. Heaven knows I tried, but it was never my story to write. But where your story ends, mine will begin and this Dragon will fly once again somewhere far away. Far from your wonderful face. Somewhere where the memories won't feel like acid rain at every turn. Somewhere where the dreams can fade. Somewhere where the love songs won't always remind me of you. Perhaps our stories will intertwine once again but next time this Dragon won't lower her head so quickly. I miss you, but I can't. I miss your face, I miss your touch, I miss the way you told me you loved me even though you were still feeling like you weren't sure. I miss being loved. I miss feeling like someone wanted a forever and always with me. But you didn't want that. You never did. You were just curious. When you should have rejected me. When you should have never said I love you. When you should have never given me the chance to tell you the same... I never wanted to believe them. I never wanted to. But I should have listened. You had me wrapped around you so tightly that it was far, far too late to heed their warnings and you waited, like a snake, until my heart was pumping so rapidly to bite. Now I'm laying here in pain and aggravation as you move away. I'm past begging, I'm past the crying at every mention of your name and at every drop of rain. I'm going to let it rain and pour. I'm letting your thunderstorm rage until the end comes. Let's see what ending you end up making for this story, because God knows it was never mine to write.