The Rain

How can I not learn to hate the rain when the rain reminds me of you? The memories falling like each drop. How can I not learn how to hate when you taught me how to love? Oh how the fire of hate looks so much like the fire of love. Each drop of the rain fuels the fire like gasoline. How. How. How can something you see coming hurt so deeply?! How can it rip you so jaggedly that healing hurts like hell? How can it kill you so slowly but make you feel so wonderfully alive? How can someone take away everything yet there's still love in you for them? No one can tell you what to do, it's just like how it was, no one can tell you how to heal. It's all left up to you as to whether you sink or swim. Life never comes with a manual. The only thing you can follow is other people's footsteps but nothing ever falls into place so cleanly and simply as that. You will have to deviate from the path and find your own, whether you want to or not. But this part of the journey, is one I've never been able to cross and it seems to get harder at every occurance... How do you deal with all the pent up pain and frustration? I love you so much but you killed me, and now that I'm lying on the ground all I can think of is how wonderful you are. Forever and always, right? But what they never tell you is that forever has an end. It comes at the end of every moment. It comes at sunrise when the night you wished would never end, finally meets its end. It comes when you find yourself right here, laying in the mess that you both created. It comes when you can't think straight anymore and you just want it to end. It came when you said it's over. Yet I find myself caught between wanting to kiss you until your lips bleed and laying in the blood of my heart with all the good memories strewn across the bloody floor. Your words, oh how bittersweet they come from that beautiful mouth of yours, yet they cut so lightly they get under my skin and light the flame of either hate or love. Then the rain begins to fall and I'm gone all over again. Between drowning in a fire and feeling like I'm falling into nothing, I'm ripping my heart out. Just take it already because I don't know how to put it back. It doesn't fit right, like it's not mine. Because you took a piece of it before you dropped it and left me to put it back together. Just because it's mine doesn't mean I know where all the pieces go when so many are missing. So many people have a piece of it and what's left is burned and bruised. I know I'm hard to love but how can it be my fault if no one ever taught me what love was until you showed up and you don't even know if you loved me?! How?! How can I believe you when you don't even know yourself?! I'm still in love with you but I'm the only one that has to move on. I'm the only one walking through the rain. And if it's not raining, the memories form into tears that turn into waterfalls. No one likes a crybaby, right? So here we go again. Let's dance in the nothingness you want me to return to. Let's dance around the room while you shout at me to stop being a martyr when that's exactly what you're turning me into. Let's dance while the fire continues to rage inbetween us. Come on, Princess, show me just how this story goes. You've always been in control of this story, so tell how it ends. Does it end with the Dragon slain across the cliffside? Does it end with the Dragon flying off far away where the Princess doesn't have to worry about it anymore? It was never my story, it was yours and you played it out just how you wanted it. So what are you going to do with me? You can't just leave it at a cliffhanger. Where is the fun in that? Surely you have an end in mind. All good authors do, and you've written one killer of a story. So what are you going to do? It doesn't matter what you do, we're never going to be the same again. So hurry up, what are you going to do with the Dragon? We all want to know because these readers are getting anxious and we can't have that. Hurry up and slam the door, but don't let it hit you, we all want a good ending right? Princess you're still not done, are you? There's still some time left, what are you going to do? This story's starting to reach its end. You'll have to do something soon. Heaven knows I tried, but it was never my story to write. But where your story ends, mine will begin and this Dragon will fly once again somewhere far away. Far from your wonderful face. Somewhere where the memories won't feel like acid rain at every turn. Somewhere where the dreams can fade. Somewhere where the love songs won't always remind me of you. Perhaps our stories will intertwine once again but next time this Dragon won't lower her head so quickly. I miss you, but I can't. I miss your face, I miss your touch, I miss the way you told me you loved me even though you were still feeling like you weren't sure. I miss being loved. I miss feeling like someone wanted a forever and always with me. But you didn't want that. You never did. You were just curious. When you should have rejected me. When you should have never said I love you. When you should have never given me the chance to tell you the same... I never wanted to believe them. I never wanted to. But I should have listened. You had me wrapped around you so tightly that it was far, far too late to heed their warnings and you waited, like a snake, until my heart was pumping so rapidly to bite. Now I'm laying here in pain and aggravation as you move away. I'm past begging, I'm past the crying at every mention of your name and at every drop of rain. I'm going to let it rain and pour. I'm letting your thunderstorm rage until the end comes. Let's see what ending you end up making for this story, because God knows it was never mine to write.

Mm.

It's hard.

A sense of loyalty that holds even when an ocean of pain descends upon it.

Why?

What is it made of?

This sense of loyalty.

Selfishness.

Caring.

A harmony. A harmony that even when drowned within pain still sounds clear.

Calling out a promise, a war-cry, to fight off the dreaded loneliness that resides in all of us. A hand intertwining with your own, holding tight as the wave hits. We all reach, farther than we think we could, and we find a hand. That'll hold so tight its nigh impossible to become free from. A sense of loyalty that only be found in the one that's transversed the ocean on their own for longer than they ever should have. Then, for whatever reason, they learn to swim. To find others such as themselves and hold on for dear life, swearing that they will never leave.

But its hard.

Yet we stand still and let it hit. And hit, and hit. And still we do not let ourselves drown. We are attached to that person so strongly, even if they try to shake you off...you can't help but hang on even stronger. Feeling as if they would return to loneliness again. Or, we would ourselves.

Selfishness.

Caring.

Which do you see first?

A harmony that survives the greatest pressure that pain can make.

Loyalty.

And perhaps, even love.

Love makes the loyalty stronger. Its bonds tighter. Through loyalty and love, one can survive the greatest pain, if one does not let fear creep into their hearts. Fear and uncertainty, are loyalty and love's only weakness.

So don't be afriad.

Hm.

They say good things come to those who wait, but the thing they always leave out is how long you have to wait. It seems to be much easier for people to wait when they know an end is coming. How long have I been waiting? For a hand holding a promise to never leave me alone. Does that thought even exist nowadays? Did it ever, in history? Is it merely a thought that defies reality without meaning to?

Those crying out in the darkness, in the light even, wish for it; but as the population grows, the harder it becomes. They say you'll get there, that you'll meet that person. But even with the internet, having a thousand people who are even minutely aware of your screen name pales in comparison to the billions of people that inhabit this confined place. My great aunt has never married. She has no kids. It is possible to not find anyone at all. I wonder, how she does it. Living with one cat in an otherwise, empty house. For so long. Sure, she had a roommate at one time but that was a long time ago, I barely remember the woman to extent I couldn't tell you the name even if I wanted to.

Do you ever feel like that? Holding on to the thought of a promise never made by a person you can only imagine meeting? It seems absurd. Even less than a dream; for dreams change so easily yet this thought remains as it is, locked somewhere in your heart. Some people find it in strange times, others are constantly haunted by it, yet even others make light of it, turning it into a dream of its own. I wonder, does that make it better? I can only imagine, that perhaps it would for as long as the dream lives. Which, also varies among people. Differences are so easy to find, for I am sure, your feelings and mine are different on anything I've said so far. You'd change one thing, or another. You differ slightly. Perhaps, I brought up a memory not of yours, but of someone else you know. So does this thought differ for everyone? Or, is it a base that can not be broken down anymore and it is simply what it is, with no room for interpretation? Maybe. Though if, you, can then you have already answered that, and you know something more than I.

To those who wish for it, love, is something to strive for. It gives a purpose, a reason. Yet while we may charge forward with it held high, we so easily forget there is another side to it. Some of us fear that side, some face it as an enemy, some reject both sides just to not have to deal with it. Pain and Fear are the opposite to Love. For it is not Hate like some so believe. No, Hate is a type of Love. For they require the same amount of effort and closeness to another person. A connection. Where Pain and Fear need none.

I have been told I'll find someone. Perhaps. Perhaps I'll find out whether that promise is but merely a thought, or a side of reality that has not shown itself to me. But I will not wait, I will tuck this thought of an unmade promise somewhere hidden...for I have other things to attend to. I've no time to wait on an uncertainty. This world has attempted to cage love in trying to solidify it, so we can grab it... Humans are indeed fools. We would only break it. Love has the power to ravage us until absolutely nothing is left, it hurts, it's terrifying...but that is love. To fight against that, to fight to avoid it, then you haven't loved. Solidifying love, means to give it a shape we would see that which ravages us to the core, and we would attack it. We would break it. Then what would happen? We would try to fix it, only to give it so many flaws, it's hardly worth it.

Hmm...